


sign me up for the quesadilla steak stack

by suitablyskippy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Homestuck Shipping Olympics, unsafe levels of innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-14
Updated: 2012-08-14
Packaged: 2017-11-12 02:36:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/485738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suitablyskippy/pseuds/suitablyskippy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TG: im gonna walk you through this step by step<br/>TG: the first hard thrust of your forks hard tines<br/>TG: deep into the moist quivering flesh of the steak<br/>TG: are you in the zone yet</p>
<p>(for HSO 2012, bonus round 5: dave/terezi, at applebees)</p>
            </blockquote>





	sign me up for the quesadilla steak stack

She leads you past the booths and into a shitty shabby office at the far end where the orange light of the hanging lamps doesn’t reach and where the metalwork hearts and vintage clocks and rusting street signs – back-of-the-truck shit cribbed from eBay as opposed to lovingly salvaged from the warm loving hold of central America’s backyard sales – just stop. It’s bare and white-walled and she kicks back in an orange wheely chair, leaving you the plastic seat across the desk from her. Her shades are red and yours are black. You’re not used to talking with anyone who keeps their eyes hidden. 

She has files on her desk but she doesn’t consult them. 

H3LLO M1ST3R STR1D3R  
1 H4V3 4 SHORT L1ST OF QU3ST1ONS D3S1GN3D TO L3V3R OP3N TH3 CR3V1C3S 4ND CR4CKS OF YOUR P3RSON4L1TY UNT1L TH3Y 4R3 3XPOS3D TO WH4T 1 4M R3L14BLY 1NFORM3D 4R3 H4RSH 4ND FL1CK3R1NG N3ON OV3RH34DS  
‘YOU’ B31NG WH1CH3V3R BR1GHT 3Y3D 4SP1R4NT S1TS B3FOR3 M3 4T TH3 T1M3   
4ND ‘M3’ B31NG TH3 H4RSH 4ND FL1CK3R1NG OV3RH34DS  
4S W3LL 4S TH3 4CTU4L OV3RH34DS 4LSO B31NG TH3 OV3RH34DS  
H3R3 4T 4PPL3B33S 4N 4B1L1TY TO MULT1T4SK 1S 3SS3NT14L!

cool whatever lets just get the preliminaries done with  
my fave color is applebees orange  
my party trick is whipping up a mean steak for every drunkass stumble fuck in the club  
my greatest strength is the passion with which i provide for each and every customer that offers my employer their custom to the absolute physical limits of my capability   
yet paradoxically this passion burns me from within and is therefore also my greatest weakness

BL4H BL4H BL4H  
YOU 4R3 SO F4R ON TH3 WRONG TR4CK 1T W1LL PROB4BLY B3 Y34RS B3FOR3 TH3 P4RK R4NG3RS F1ND YOUR BODY 1N TH3 BUSH3S!  
T4CKL3 TH1S:  
WH4T 1S YOUR F4VOR1T3 4PPL3B33S D1SH YOUNG M4N

depends whos paying

FOR TH3 PURPOS3S OF TH1S ROL3PL4Y L3T US 4SSUM3 1T 1S 1 WHO W1LL B3 SHOULD3R1NG TH3 F1N4NC14L BURD3N 4T TH3 3ND OF TH1S HYPOTH3T1C4L D4T3 N1GHT  
WH4T W1LL YOU CHOOS3 M1ST3R STR1D3R! 

well that changes everything doesnt it  
sign me up for the quesadilla steak stack

CONV1NC3 M3

what that i want a steak stack  
i literally just told you were you too occupied by thoughts of our budding buffet bar passion to even listen  
rude  
but flattering  
but rude

CONV1NC3 M3 TO G3T TH3 ST34K YOU DUMB4SS 1 4M T3ST1NG YOUR S4L3S 4B1L1T13S 

ok shut your eyes

1M BL1ND >:/ 

dont give a shit   
im setting a mood here  
are your eyes shut

UGH FOR TH3 S4K3 OF 1MM3RS1ON 4ND SUSP3NS1ON OF D1SB3L13F MY 3Y3S 4R3 NOW SHUT

k good  
im gonna walk you through this step by step  
the first hard thrust of your forks hard tines  
deep into the moist quivering flesh of the steak  
are you in the zone yet  
if youre in the zone youll be so immersed you just heard the squelch of vigorous entrance as i described it  
fingers quivering expectantly as you raise that hot wet meat to your open mouth  
a sensation tsunami hits you like katrina as the first juices trickle down your tongue  
you begin to salivate like a dog in a diner while i 

W41T! 1 N33D TO P4RS3 TH1S  
1F 4 CUSTOM3R 4SK3D YOU WOULD T3LL TH3M TO G3T TH3 ST34K B3C4US3 1T R3M1NDS YOU OF P3RFORM1NG OR4L S3X ON M3N  
4ND TH1S 1S 4 PL34SUR4BL3 4SSOC14T1ON FOR YOU

what   
no

NO?  
COULD 1T POSS1BLY B3 TH4T 1 M1SUND3RSTOOD YOUR 4RTFULLY R1FF3D 1NNU3NDO? >:O  
QU1CK M1ST3R STR1D3R!  
T3LL M3 WH4T YOU R34LLY M34NT

She tips her shades and directs a spit-white glare to just above your hairline. Something terrible roils in your stomach and you’re not sure you’ve ever been so shitscared to tell a lie. 

i was suggesting that  
maybe you

Y3S

uh

DO NOT L3T M3 STOP YOU

enjoy 

UH HUH

blowjobs

4ND DO YOU TH1NK TH1S W4S 4N 4PPROPR14T3 TOP1C TO R41S3?  
WH3N YOU CR4V3 TH1S JOB W1TH SUCH SH4M3L3SS 4ND 3XCRUC14T1NG D3SP3R4T1ON? 

you know fuck all about how bad i need this job

1 H4V3 M4N4G3D TH1S R3ST4UR4NT FOR TWO Y34RS NOW!  
TRUST M3   
NO ON3 WORKS 4T 4PPL3B33S W1THOUT 3XCRUC14T1NG D3SP3R4T1ON 4S TH3 ST1CK TO TH31R SLUGG4RDLY JOBS33K1NG DONK3Y

She’s got you straight down pegged and all you can do is try not to fidget in your plastic bucket seat as her sightless stare lasers straight through the whitewashed wall behind you. 

whatever, you say finally, reluctantly, i guess theres a time and a place   
for like  
dick jokes  
and maybe the time aint before you got a drink down you and maybe the place aint where theres no drinks to get  
but im just saying  
once youve sent out the apology letter   
commiserations on fucking up your interview next time maybe keep the quesadilla steak stack boner on the downlow  
if you wanna come out some time

Y3S? 

im just sayin i got a fuckton more dick jokes where those ones came from

H4H4, she says, and watching the glare turn to a grin like she smelt your blood in the water is a boot to your ego’s balls, H4H4H4H4H4

is that a hell yes

NO 1T 1S 4 H4H4H4H4H4!  
DO NOT L34P SO F4R 4H34D OF M3 1T 1S MOST UNCOUTH  
4LSO YOU M1GHT TR1P  
W3 4R3 NOT DON3 H3R3 Y3T

fuck  
really

WH3N YOU 4R3 S3RV1NG 4 GU3ST YOU MUST 4LW4YS R3M3MB3R TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT P4RT OF TH3 M34L

shit yeah you cant forget that thats like basic fuckin entry level restaurant etiquette  
just the thought that someone might forget it is sending chilly tremors down my spine like death himself got jonesing for a tickle fight

R3M1ND M3! WH4T 1S TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT P4RT OF TH3 M34L

uh

1T 1S TH3 SM1L3   
>;]  
> ;]  
>;]  
> ;] 

oh god 

(You don’t get the job, but you get her number and a slap on the butt in the door of the diner as you leave that makes a couple in a window booth choke on their chicken patties. As deals go you’ve made worse ones.)


End file.
